Saturday, November 30, 2013

Why I'm not enjoying being a mom

Lets all be real with each other. 
From one mother to another... 
So we can accept the reality of motherhood. 

Sometimes it's not enjoyable. 
Sometimes we don't really like our children. 
Sometimes we sit on the couch in tears and wonder why in the world we did this to ourselves. 

That will never mean we don't love our children more than our own life. 
That will never mean we regret having each child. 
That will never mean we would change things for a second. 

But what it does mean is that motherhood is hard... 
And other mama's will make you feel guilty for uttering the words "I'm not enjoying being a mother right now!" 

Every mother hits a moment in their journey of motherhood where this reality hits them between the eyes. 

These moments may be hard to see for some or more obvious for others... The reality of your life comes crashing down like a ton of bricks and it's hard to swallow. 

What exactly happened to my life? 

Maybe your moment is...

When you jump in the shower for the soul purpose of shaving your arm pits or legs and 20 minutes after the shower you realize you forgot to do just that. 

When you press start on the washing machine with the same clothes insides for the 4th time..

When your friends stop calling because carrying on a conversation with you is like carrying on a conversation with someone with turrets. 

When you have sat in pee on the toilet seat so many times that you have reached the place of just being thankful the seat was down and urine is sterile. 

Or perhaps it's those moments were life has been so hectic that after the kids finally fall asleep you sit in the quietness and the true force of your exhaustion overtakes you and you fall onto your knees and just cry. 

My life the past month has been hectic and adjusting has been hard. 
Josh got a new job... a better job... but different hours than we are used to. 

I feel overwhelmed being out of my schedule and nothing is really getting accomplished. 
Surviving the day is my only concern. 

Kids have been sick... 
Floors are dirty....
Laundry is behind...
The fridge is empty... not because I can't afford to buy food but because finding the time to actually go spend 2+ hours getting everything we need for a week or so is just not there. 
My kids have cabin fever...
I have cabin fever...
I'm a hormonal pregnant mama who has double the estrogen running through my veins making me want to cry at the tinniest thing...
I'm 2 hours away from family and friends that would I'm sure gladly watch the kids while I bathed or did my shopping.
Speaking of shopping... I have yet to even go to the bank to get our Christmas fund out to start Christmas shopping. 

And with all thats going on I realized that I have begun to sink deeply into the world and forgotten why I once felt so blessed.

And today... in utter exhaustion and defeat I realized why I am not enjoying being a mom.

My soul purpose has been surviving instead of living.

I've been so busy trying to adjust to change that I changed things that needed not to be adjusted...

Like my prayer time...
my quietness with God..
The ONE place I find peace- I find joy- I find the love for HIS blessings..
The blessings I haven't been enjoying lately..

Here he has blessed our home with children, and a new job for a hard working and deserving husband and I have deserted him and scorned him for the chaos these blessings were causing..
So I begged for His forgiveness for leaving Him when he wanted me the most...

And something magical happened..

I started enjoying my children again today.
I apologized to them for being a bit of a rotten apple lately...
and promised to try harder to be gentle with my words, my voice, and my patience.

And then something magical happened again...
The wild, frustrating, attitude filled little boys who have roamed my home the past few days begun to slowly mold into the calmer, sweeter, and gentler person their mama was becoming.
And our afternoon was quiet... and peaceful... and fun.

And for the first time in a good week.. .

I am enjoying being a mom.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

What I meant to say was...

When a friend of mine whom I went to high school with lost her little girl at 6 months old my entire heart broke for her. And to be honest, it still does. I started researching blogs and advice columns so I knew what would help her and what would make things harder. Most said the same things over and over and I tried so hard to avoid those things, but I know that nothing I said or didn’t say made it easier for her to carry that feeling of being alone in this new world without her daughter.

So for the parent’s who have lost a baby- I am writing this to you.

They say not to say “I can’t imagine”

It’s so hard not to say that sentence because truth is; I can’t imagine. I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling, the aloneness you struggle with everyday. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have your heart feel like it’s being ripped out of your chest each morning you wake up and walk past the room that once held your sleeping child. I can’t imagine the pain of watching everyone around you accepting a new normal when you simply can’t do the same. I can’t imagine the feeling of guilt. I can’t imagine the different emotions you are experiencing day in and day out..
But what I want you to know is that what I really mean when I say “I can’t imagine” is that I’m sorry you can.

They say not to say “God needed another angel”

Our human minds and hearts simply cannot process a child being taken from his/her family. I once read a quote that said “It’s easy for you to say God needed another angel when he didn’t take yours.” That put into perspective what a mother whose arms are empty must feel when she hears “God needed another angel”. I know I’ve said this before. Not to a mother who has held a child they had to let go but to mothers who have miscarried and looking back I want to call and email each one and apologize for how insensitive my words must have sounded. But what I want you to know is that what we really mean when we say “God needed another angel” is “I’m sorry”.

They say not to say “It’s God’s Will”

As a Christian, I get what people mean when they say this… But even though I’ve never experienced an infant loss I can see where it would be very frustrating to hear. We have an all loving God we serve and to have someone tell you that this all loving God would want to cause the most incredible pain that a mother could ever endure sounds quite ridiculous. But what I want you to know is that what we really mean when we say “It’s God’s Will” is “I’m Sorry”.

These are just a few of the major ones I’ve read. There are plenty more if you want to research it… but the reason for this blog is more to say that there are so many times I want to call, email, or come by but I simply don’t know what to say.  So when and if I say something that I shouldn’t please remember… What I really want to say to each of you parents who have had to carry the pain of burying a son or daughter is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t help ease the pain. I’m sorry you are hurting. I am sorry that I pray daily that I never can imagine what you are going through. I’m sorry that I don’t have the right words. I’m sorry that I forget milestones. I'm sorry that you miss someone in a way that I never have. I'm sorry it happened. 

 I’m just so so so sorry.