Friday, June 19, 2015

Happy Fathers Day From Your Baby Girl

This year on Fathers Day I'm only 17 months old so I can't really write you so with mommy's help, I'll do what I can. 

Dear Daddy, 
 Thank you for being such a good daddy. You are showing me early on what kind of man I want to marry. I know being a daddy is hard work. And I know we drive you crazy most days. But you are doing an awesome job! Thank you for rocking me to sleep on the days you are off. Speaking of work, thank you for working so hard for me daddy. I know you don't want to leave me. I can feel your hugs are a little tighter when you leave me. And don't worry, I may be really little but I'll always remember the extra sprints up the staircase just to steal one more slobbery kiss from me. I'll also remember that you tell me you love me at least 5 times as you walk out the door. I probably wont understand completely how much it hurts to leave your baby until I have kids of my own and I wont tell you thank you nearly enough so I'll tell you I'm sorry for that now. I hope I find a husband just like you daddy. I want my husband to love me like you love mommy. And I want him to love his babies like you love us. 
You are the best daddy in the whole wide world and I wouldn't pick any other daddy in this world but you to be my daddy. 

I love you daddy. 

Love, Anniston 

PS. The boys wrote their own letters and put them with your fathers day gifts. Mom said we couldn't put names on the gifts but just between you and I, I picked the best gift. ;) 

Friday, June 12, 2015

I said I wouldn't forgive you

I said I wouldn't forgive you. 

You hurt me to much. 

For those who know me know that I do or I don't do certain things because I feel personally convicted. My prayer has always been that if God doesn't want me to do something he will give me a conviction on it. 

I don't let the world tell me what is inappropriate or acceptable.

Lately I've been thinking about how badly I want to forgive you.

I don't want to get angry every time you post something. Or every time you unblock me for those few hours and just hope I see what jab you've directed at me.

I don't want to have my blood boil when someone asks me "why aren't ya'll friends anymore?" because the hurt and frustration of who you have morphed into still makes me want to scream.

I don't want to want to tell them that we have simply changed and on different pages in life.
I want to tell them the truth.

 I don't want to lie to them.

I know that it's a matter of time before your new friends see what I have seen (along with many other people) and....

See what just happened? The bitterness is already creeping in. I can feel myself wanting to post how I really feel instead of how I want to feel....

Starting today, I will let go of the anger. When I start to get angry with you I will pray for you.
Not in a "I'm a Christian and that's what you are supposed to do..." kinda way.

I want to forgive you.

I want to pray so hard for my anger towards you that I can forgive you.

I want to love you.

I want to be okay when I hear your name.

I want to be okay when I see you.

I want to feel happiness and love when your name crosses my path.

And in order to do that I must pray for you.

And pray that I can allow my stubborn self to let go of the anger and allow God to change my heart towards you.

I don't often like to eat my own words... but in this existence I'd love nothing more than to do just that.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Happy Best Friends Day!

Today is best friends day.

 I have been blessed with best friends throughout my life. Some have moved and miles have made us drift apart and other times we have just changed so much that we will no longer be as close as we were years ago. 

But one person has remained for as long as I can remember. We have had hiccups along the way but always been real with each other. Thank you for being there. Thank you for not setting such high expectations for our friendship. Expectations that no one could ever be able to live up to. Thank you for realizing that some days I'm going to be in a bad mood and all I really need is a text the next day asking if I survived. Thank you for being there during some of my hardest times; loosing babies, going through PPD, and being homesick for 5 years. I know for the better part of those 5 years I was angry that I was missing out on so much back home. So thank you for realizing that and standing by me anyway. Thank you for being there. For always being there. You will forever be my spoon. I love you. 

My best friend Amber. (Yes, double Amber's! Watch out!) 

Having a friendship end is worse than breaking up with a boyfriend. Seriously, the pain is so much worse. But I have to tell those people thank you too. I mean... they did show me a lot. 

Thank you old besties. 

You showed me what a best friend really is. It's not about how often we see each other or how many pictures we can take together to prove our friendship on facebook or IG. It's about being so honest with each other that it hurts and still being there for each other in the morning. It's about picking up the phone and asking for an honest opinion and knowing you will get it, even if it hurts in the process. It's about knowing that push come to shove, that person will never leave your side. It's about saying your sorry when you are wrong, and truly being forgiven.

And because of some ended friendships I have learned how to be a better best friend. 

So I should apologize. 

I'm sorry that I probably said things that hurt you. I'm sorry that I didn't give you the reaction you expected. Unless your expectation was anger and defensiveness, I'm sure I disappointed you. I'm sorry that I wasn't there saying all the right things at just the right time. I'm a busy mama and I often find myself overwhelmed. I always wanted a big family but I'm having to figure out day by day how to actually raise these tiny humans that can be quite often frustrating.
I'm sorry that I had bad days on days that happen to be really good for you. If I could go back in time and realize that you needed me to just be happy for you instead of sinking deeper in my funk, I would. I'm sorry for all those things I've said out of anger towards you. I'm still trying to let go of the anger. 

My life is constantly changing. Kids are getting older and I'm meeting new people who are in the same phase of life as myself. More people are coming into my life and I'm seeing who I want to stay. So thank you guys for being here. Experiencing this crazy and messed up life of mine. I love you all so much!