Sunday, March 27, 2011

Grumpy Doing What You Love?

As days pass being at home with my boys, I am increasingly becoming more and more grumpy about my "job". Day in and day out, I wash dishes, clean floors, wash clothes, dry clothes, make breakfast, clean up breakfast, make beds, dust baseboards, dust ceiling fans, fix lunch, clean up from lunch, wash more clothes, fold all the clothes, clean the playroom, clean the bedrooms, pick up books for the hundredth time, clean out the fridge, make supper, clean up from supper, sweep floors, clean bathrooms, wipe butts, clean tubs, and the list goes on and on...  Problem is, this is the job I chose. I complain about a job I love. Sure, days are rough throughout the week, but honestly, who doesn't have days when they want to quit and find something  a little easier? I love to work. I love going to a "normal" paying job everyday. It's actually easier!!! At least there I can clock in, and clock out. I get sick time, paid vacations, and I clean up after myself and myself only. But my desire to work at a 9-5 job is less than my desire to make a difference in my children's life. I look forward to the day they are old enough to really understand that I love them so much that I wanted to take on this incredible yet difficult "job" as their mommy day in and day out.

I speak of my friend on here often. Yes, I will just call her "my friend" for now. She is a Godly mother, who understands my bad days, and reminds me that I really do have more good ones than bad. She also has an incredible ability to remind me weekly not to become a martyr. (Hope I spelled that right) And I notice, I do it often. Instead of being thankful for the laundry, I complain about it. Instead of being grateful for food to eat, I complain about cleaning up the mess breakfast causes. I do this with everything I touch. I think I'm starting to get the idea. And this week, my goal is to become less of a Martyr and more of a mother. A mother my boys will be proud of. The mother I want to be to my children!

I put additional stress on myself but complain about it to my family. I am planning a yard sale this Saturday. I have a lot of kids clothes to sell, toys, household stuff I just need to get rid of. So this week it will be a great week for a fresh start, and instead of saying I'm grateful for things, actually showing my gratitude. For those reading this, I may need a reminder about this blog on Wednesday! :)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Where's Amber?

Cause all I see is Mama, and Josh's wife. I had a conversation last week with a dear friend who was going through this same thing. I often find that I go through spurts of loosing "me" in my daily duties as a stay at home mother and wife. Sometimes life gets so crazy around here, that it's not that I forgot that the "me" is gone, but I'm too busy to find her. While I am so thankful and excited to be a mother to my boys, I want to still be able to feel like Amber occasionally. I used to sew, but after the birth of Brennon, life was so hectic that I put the sewing machine in the top of the closet. But this same friend reminded me how rewarding it is, and it made me want to pull mine back out. I have a head full of creative ideas, but I lack the time to execute them. I think my goal this month, is to find something I really enjoy doing, and do it. It may not be sewing, it may be something new. Something I've never done before but always wanted to do.

It could get crazy around here!!

I have had a itch to cook dinner last night. For those who aren't familiar with our schedule... Josh cooks. I'm the worst cook ever!! I can bake... but I can't cook. I made a wonderful garlic herb stuffed chicken. And it was delicious!! Maybe I'll try cooking new things on my quest to find myself.

I also had a friend post pictures of her first try at making royal icing roses (homemade royal icing at that!!)   Perhaps I can add pretty roses to my cakes??

I feel like everyone is doing things they enjoy... and are really good at it!! But I'm still sitting here, cleaning baseboards, changing diapers, wiping butts, sweeping floors, washing, drying, and folding laundry and wondering what I will find that is ME.

** I'd like to point out that my quest to find "me" is worse during 1 week of the month... I think there is something to that. Dang hormones... lol**

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Sleepy Saturday

It's raining, and the kids are all tired from waking up at 4:30am. I'm exhausted. I managed to get the floors swept, and the kitchen cleaned (except for the small amount of dishes in the sink) But thats all you're getting out of me this morning. In 4+ years, I still have not figured out why my kids hate sleep. I love sleep. I think I could sleep for an entire day. Of course, that isn't possible with a 4 year old, 3 year old, and a 1 year old.

Since the kids got up so early, they are extremely whinny. I don't blame them, I want to lay in the floor and beat my hands and feet on the floor right now. I hate to wish my children's life away, even an hour of it, but today, I'm praying for 1:00 to hurry and get here. 1:00pm is nap time in the Gilbert household. And that nap time will include this mama today!! I can wash clothes after I sleep a bit. Josh has homework to do anyway. Maybe I can even bribe him into washing the few dishes in the sink. :)

Tomorrow is church. I'm excited to try out a church up the road that we went to a couple of weeks ago. When we went, a guest preacher was there and we didn't get to hear the regular preacher. I'm excited to hear the message. I think what I like about this church is that I can feel God in the building. He's not standing outside knocking on the door while the service is going on, begging to let him in. (Yes, I've been to those churches) You can tell that every word spoken, is God speaking through that person. I really like those types of services. :)

I've gone back and forth on weather going to church is important. I do believe we have Godly men and women that don't attend church. However, I've found from my personal experiences that going to church is healthy for Christian's. I think we always have room for improvement and going to church and feeling God's spirit that strong, helps us realize what we are missing when we aren't there. Now that I have children, I believe every church needs a nursery with a nursery worker in it. I think it's important for parents to be able to sit and listen to the message that God is sending and not worry about their children being too loud, or too busy in the pew. The times I have had my children in the church pews with me, I hear about .5% of the service. I don't care how small your church is, or how many children are there, there should be a nursery. Nursery workers should be in the bulletin so that members and visitors KNOW there is someone that will be taking care of your child. I'm screaming this- IT IS VERY IMPORTANT!!!! You never know what parent is sitting there being convicted by God and feeling like they can't move on that because they have to take care of the kids while the service is going on.

I'm looking forward to church tomorrow, even with the rain. Somehow I know it's going to be sunny in the pew. :) I hope everyone gets up and doesn't let the rain stop you from getting to church. I promise you... it will be worth it!!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Thankful Thursday

On this Thursday I am thankful for God's mercy, His undying love for me, even in times I don't deserve it, and His unselfish gift of his son. I am thankful God lead me down the cold and sometimes dreary road that lead me to Josh. He is the husband I dreamed about all my life, and the perfect fit for me. Today I am thankful for my sweet precious boys. They keep me young, and full of life. I am thankful for the hugs I receive from them, the random I love you's, and the kisses that remind me why I wanted to be a mother.
I am thankful for my new niece, and that God watched over her in the hours after her delivery. I am thankful for my niece or nephew that I will be meeting sometime soon through adoption. I am thankful for a sister who loves me and allows me to love her in return. I'm thankful for the best friend that I have in her. (many times in my life I didn't think that was possible) I am thankful for a mama who loves my children like she loved me. (and probably more to be honest.. he he) I am thankful for a step dad who may be quirky at times, but would lay down anything to help me if I needed it. I am thankful for a mema and papa who have hearts the size of the Jupiter. I am thankful for friends that would do anything for me, and are always there to listen to me whine about nothing at all. I am thankful for Josh's job, a house to live in, and food to eat.

I really have a lot to be thankful for, and I could go on for days... but I'll save it for next Thursday. :)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Steps to better myself

There are a lot of things about myself that I want to change. It's not just physical. Most of it is the way I look at things, and the way I hear things. I'm a lot like a turtle. Yes, a turtle. I have a soft inside, but I carry a hard shell around with me to protect myself from getting hurt. I rarely crawl back in my shell in public. I don't want others to know that they have hurt me, or something they have done or said has made me upset. Truth is, a lot of things bother me. Most people don't realize that. I don't always get mad about things, but I act like I'm mad so they don't know I'm really hurt by it. Anger is easier for me to show than sadness. I've always believed crying was a weakness. I'm trying to change that about myself.

I became an aunt last week. The first real niece. (I have a step nephew and step niece that I hardly ever see) It was the first time I wanted to be closer to my brother. I want to be a part of my nieces life. I want to watch her grow. Yet, I feel like because my relationship with my brother isn't the best, I'm going to miss out on my niece. Isn't it amazing how babies make you want to change? I'm not sure what I need to do on my part to become a better sister, and a better aunt, but I'm planning on figuring it out.

I was surprised that seeing my niece didn't make me want a baby girl like I thought it would. She is the most precious baby ever, and I would gladly have one just like her, but I didn't run home and beg Josh to have another little one of our own. I do however, get so frustrated at everyone's opinion on how many children I should have. What ever happened to letting God decide how many children He wants you to have? Why is everyone so opinionated in regards to the size of your family? I'm pretty sure at age 28, I should be fully capable of making that decision on my own. (well, with Josh too) For those reading, I don't want necessarily want 15 children. I don't even want 6. I would however, like another one at some point. And we will end up having another one. Not when everyone else thinks we should, but when WE decide it's best for us. I have already decided that when and if God allows us to have another child, we wont be telling anyone until we have too. I don't want anyone to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. And I'm also not going to try for a girl... I believe God knows what we need. He may believe 3 boys are plenty for us, and if that's the case, well, we will love our boys and be thankful for the blessings that God has sent us. If he wants us to have another boy, bring him on. I'll love him just the same as I do the others, and I would be 100% okay with that. But if he does see fit to bless her with a little girl, well, I'll be 100% okay with that too. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want a baby girl. I would love the experience of raising both genders, but I'm okay with having all boys.

I didn't intend on going off on all that... but it was on my mind and I felt like sharing. I feel so overly blessed and undeserving of the things God has given me. I pray that I hold my tongue, speak slower, and listen more. I pray that God shows me what he wants me to do in my life to be a better Christian, wife and mother. I pray that God gives me the words to help friends who need Christian advice. But my biggest prayer is that everything I do, is pleasing of Him.