Tuesday, November 19, 2013

What I meant to say was...


When a friend of mine whom I went to high school with lost her little girl at 6 months old my entire heart broke for her. And to be honest, it still does. I started researching blogs and advice columns so I knew what would help her and what would make things harder. Most said the same things over and over and I tried so hard to avoid those things, but I know that nothing I said or didn’t say made it easier for her to carry that feeling of being alone in this new world without her daughter.

So for the parent’s who have lost a baby- I am writing this to you.

They say not to say “I can’t imagine”

It’s so hard not to say that sentence because truth is; I can’t imagine. I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling, the aloneness you struggle with everyday. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have your heart feel like it’s being ripped out of your chest each morning you wake up and walk past the room that once held your sleeping child. I can’t imagine the pain of watching everyone around you accepting a new normal when you simply can’t do the same. I can’t imagine the feeling of guilt. I can’t imagine the different emotions you are experiencing day in and day out..
But what I want you to know is that what I really mean when I say “I can’t imagine” is that I’m sorry you can.

They say not to say “God needed another angel”

Our human minds and hearts simply cannot process a child being taken from his/her family. I once read a quote that said “It’s easy for you to say God needed another angel when he didn’t take yours.” That put into perspective what a mother whose arms are empty must feel when she hears “God needed another angel”. I know I’ve said this before. Not to a mother who has held a child they had to let go but to mothers who have miscarried and looking back I want to call and email each one and apologize for how insensitive my words must have sounded. But what I want you to know is that what we really mean when we say “God needed another angel” is “I’m sorry”.

They say not to say “It’s God’s Will”

As a Christian, I get what people mean when they say this… But even though I’ve never experienced an infant loss I can see where it would be very frustrating to hear. We have an all loving God we serve and to have someone tell you that this all loving God would want to cause the most incredible pain that a mother could ever endure sounds quite ridiculous. But what I want you to know is that what we really mean when we say “It’s God’s Will” is “I’m Sorry”.

These are just a few of the major ones I’ve read. There are plenty more if you want to research it… but the reason for this blog is more to say that there are so many times I want to call, email, or come by but I simply don’t know what to say.  So when and if I say something that I shouldn’t please remember… What I really want to say to each of you parents who have had to carry the pain of burying a son or daughter is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t help ease the pain. I’m sorry you are hurting. I am sorry that I pray daily that I never can imagine what you are going through. I’m sorry that I don’t have the right words. I’m sorry that I forget milestones. I'm sorry that you miss someone in a way that I never have. I'm sorry it happened. 

 I’m just so so so sorry.