As I lit my candle tonight remembering my babies that never made it to my arms, and friends babies that never made it to their arms, and other friends who held onto their babies- some for a few minutes, some for a few hours, and some for a few months before they were taken, I can’t help but think about how many woman tonight have a hole that is caused from a loss of a child. Only two words come to mind when I have these thoughts….
It sucks that our bodies did what they were designed to do and conceived a child only to lose them before we ever got to meet them.
It sucks that a child that we nursed, bathed, changed, and showered with love were ripped from hands of their parents who weren’t ready to let them go.
It sucks that after 8 or 9 months of carrying a child they are born already an angel.
It sucks to know that so many people carry around guilt and anger towards something that they can’t physically understand.
It sucks to have your body ache to hold onto your babies and nothing can replace that desire.
It sucks to bring more children into the world after a loss and feel a tug of guilt that the feeling of a precious newborn has brought you joy again.
It sucks that people who haven’t experienced a loss can’t physically understand the pain you are going through, no matter how hard they may try.
It sucks that so many pregnancy loss, still born, and SIDS boards are out there…meaning that many other people are feeling the exact pain you are feeling.
It sucks to know that there is nothing… I mean nothing that will ever fill that void.
It sucks that every single day something reminds us that our babies aren’t here.
It sucks that there is a day that is set aside to remember the millions of millions of babies not here…
It. Just. Sucks.
I could easily let anger get the best of me after my 2 recent miscarriages. I could be angry at God for giving me babies only for them to be called home too soon. I can see how people could stay angry for a long time. With every day that passes after a loss the pain doesn’t disappear… but instead you just learn to live with the pain. The void however I’m not sure ever goes away. I can only speak from the perspective of a miscarriage and I don’t want anyone reading who has experienced a infant loss to be mistaken; I know the pain I am feeling after loosing 2 babies in the first trimester can’t even compare to the pain of loosing a child you have carried 9 months, delivered, and lost. But this blog entry isn’t about who is mourning more… it’s about mourning together. It’s about being there for the friend who has experienced any loss… It’s about praying for those parents that buried their babies. It’s about crying for those crying. It’s about being broken hearted for those people who are broken hearted… not because you understand every single ounce of pain they are feeling… but because you know with every loss, it sucks- and each day these mothers will experience a different emotion that they just don’t understand…
Today as I write this blog watching my candle flicker in dark I am remembering so many babies that aren’t here today. I am praying for you and I am mourning with you.