I read an article listing the reasons married women who are cheated on stay with their spouse.
One of the reasons was that they felt like they weren't good enough for their husband. Even stating that women often feel like they did something wrong or they lack self esteem.
I have been cheated on. I can't say I know exactly how you feel because it wasn't by my husband. But someone I cared about, and someone of which I loved enough to marry. I know the hurt you are feeling right now. I know the anger you are feeling. I know the reasons of "why" that are passing through your head faster than you can process. I know how alone you feel. I know how embarrassed you feel. I know that your mind is trying to grasp what news you just heard. I know how you want to hate him but can't because as much as it sucks right now, you really do love him.
But let me tell you this. All your feelings are real and all those feelings are exactly how you are supposed to feel to news like this. Processing it takes time. Sometimes years. You will think you have forgiven him only to realize that you really haven't. He will have to earn that trust back. Trust that HE ripped from your relationship. You will question every move he makes. The thought of him touching you again will make you want to throw up yet your body will ache for him to hold you like he did before he cheated. It's a cycle of emotions that turn your life inside your own head upside down. More than the actual infidelity did. You will question what the words "I love you" really mean because in your mind loving someone means never hurting them as much as he has hurt you. You will question everything. And it's going to suck. A lot.
I know your faith is a rock for you. My sweet Anna, hold onto that rock with all your might. It's going to be your life line. Josh is a human. And even though this mistake seems so much worse than anything you can imagine right now, God will forgive him just as quickly as if he killed someone (which I know right now feels like he did just that). If asked God will forget his sins and it will never be held against him. I know what you're thinking after reading that... "If only I were more like Christ!" "I can't do that!!" And it's true. You can't. We strive to be Christlike in our time here on earth but at the end of the day we are human. Hatred and disgust will fill your heart no matter how much you try to feel differently. Pray that God keeps your heart soft. Pray that God gives you a forgiving heart. Pray that God gives you the strength to forgive Josh like He would forgive him. And then pray for the ability to love him the same. Because that may be the hardest part.
And know that for every tear that falls from your face you have half the world crying with you. Hurting with you. Praying with you.
It may seem right now that you won't survive this but you will and you'll be stronger when you make it to the other side. Through this entire process please remember that You ARE good enough. Never let that sentence slip from your thought. Keep it up front. Say it everyday until you believe it. Because it's true. You ARE good enough, Anna.