Friday, June 12, 2015

I said I wouldn't forgive you

I said I wouldn't forgive you. 

You hurt me to much. 

For those who know me know that I do or I don't do certain things because I feel personally convicted. My prayer has always been that if God doesn't want me to do something he will give me a conviction on it. 

I don't let the world tell me what is inappropriate or acceptable.

Lately I've been thinking about how badly I want to forgive you.

I don't want to get angry every time you post something. Or every time you unblock me for those few hours and just hope I see what jab you've directed at me.

I don't want to have my blood boil when someone asks me "why aren't ya'll friends anymore?" because the hurt and frustration of who you have morphed into still makes me want to scream.

I don't want to want to tell them that we have simply changed and on different pages in life.
I want to tell them the truth.

 I don't want to lie to them.

I know that it's a matter of time before your new friends see what I have seen (along with many other people) and....

See what just happened? The bitterness is already creeping in. I can feel myself wanting to post how I really feel instead of how I want to feel....

Starting today, I will let go of the anger. When I start to get angry with you I will pray for you.
Not in a "I'm a Christian and that's what you are supposed to do..." kinda way.

I want to forgive you.

I want to pray so hard for my anger towards you that I can forgive you.

I want to love you.

I want to be okay when I hear your name.

I want to be okay when I see you.

I want to feel happiness and love when your name crosses my path.

And in order to do that I must pray for you.

And pray that I can allow my stubborn self to let go of the anger and allow God to change my heart towards you.

I don't often like to eat my own words... but in this existence I'd love nothing more than to do just that.