Moments of Reflection

I think it's important for us all to take time after each day for our own moments of reflection. 

Were the words I spoke pleasing to God? 

Did I strive to make my children feel loved and appreciated? 

Did my actions back up my walk?

I've just started my "Moments of Reflection" yesterday. 

Turns out... I have a lot of work to do in my own life. 

My words haven't been soft or kind and my actions have been hurtful and raw.

Sometimes telling someone exactly how you feel only gives instant gratification... 

Lets be honest... when you tell someone how you feel (even in a harsh way) you normally don't do it just for instant gratification, even though that is what you normally receive. It feels good to get things off your chest... especially when you have been bottling them up for so long. 

However, when the instant gratification wears off you are left with nothing more than a feeling of exhaustion. What did it accomplish? Typically, nothing. Hurt feelings and a relationship that may not be able to be repaired. 

I've had several relationships/friendships that were able to withstand an argument that left both parties hurt and confused. However, some took time to rebuild, and others were left shattered in pieces. 

The friendships that were able to move past the bumps along the road are the friendships that I strive to keep and appreciate. I know that when times get tough and hormones get high I can always count on those people to be there. 

So my moment of reflection yesterday left me with this....

1. Journals that aren't online are probably the best place to vent. 

2. Burnt bridges are only as burnt as both parties allow them to be. 

3. Some friends really are there for you through it all. Invest time in those people.

4. If you can't accept me at my worst, you don't deserve my best. 

And probably the most important one to me.... 

5. One of the main benefits of forgiveness is that it allows you to return to the kind person you really are. So forgive those weather they ask for it or not. 

My plate is full but my cup runeth over

My plate is maxed out. 

I've had such an emotional roller coaster these past few weeks. As if things with my papa didn't stress me out enough, pre-term labor reared its ugly face, had a "break-up" from a dear friend without full understanding as of why, and I'm getting things ready for Brennon's surgery. 

Between the few updates we have been given on papa's condition, the lack of closure from my ending friendship, and doctor appointments nonstop I am exhausted. 

I feel overwhelmed but blessed all at the same time. 

Papa is doing better- still not off the ventilator but we have received less and less bad news and more good news lately. Brennon's surgery requires a lot of clearance from doctors but I am thankful he is finally been given the go ahead with the surgery. 

A friendship ending is always hard, but for me especially hard when I can't completely grasp why. But I have found through it lessons that I wouldn't have learned if it never conspired the way it did. 

I have been reminded of my insecurities and the way I NEED to handle situations instead of the way that comes easier for me. 

Sometimes I feel like I have no outlet for my anger, frustration, and feelings of hurt. I think a nice brown leather journal I keep in my nightstand may be the best place to jot things down in during times like these. I'm not the best with handling certain situations. I'm a pro at burning bridges. It's much easier for me to get pissed off and play the victim than to accept that maybe I'm at fault too. 

Nevertheless I am who I am and I'm a working project. 

Hormones for me right now play a huge roll in handling things poorly. It's not an excuse by any means... Heck, I do it when I'm not pregnant... but I bring an emotional side to things I may not bring into the equation when I'm not pregnant. It doesn't help, that's all. 

I'm a very random person in writing. I tend to jabber a lot. But I'm not writing a blog to entertain others more than to get things off my chest and out of my head. I'm sorry if I offend people in doing so...

That is truly not my intension.  

God is still in control

This past week or so has been hard. 

My papa was admitted into ICU while on vacation in SC. He has since been airlifted to another hospital in Hilton Head SC. He was bleeding from a very large ulcer in his stomach. They did surgery to repair the bleeding but he wasn't improving like they had hoped. 

The new hospital has been great. They were able to stop the bleeding. So many ups and downs lately with him. He's still on the breathing tubes and unconscious. A lot of good news has come in recently which has been great. 

We all know that God is still in control. 

Friday for me was spent in Labor and Delivery. Pre-term labor has started again. They were able to stop contractions and I was sent home. That same night I realized what had set off the pre-term labor. Another flare up of my Inflammatory Bowel Disease. My OBGYN didn't know what to do for me. I had been dealing with the very painful spasms until Saturday afternoon when I couldn't take it anymore. I finally called my GI Specialist. He is an amazing doctor who talked with my OBGYN and together found a medicine that was safe to take during pregnancy. I was able to get it Saturday and was able to get some rest that night. Sunday was spent getting back to "normal" again. 

God is still in control.

This week is going to be crazy as I prepare for Brennon's surgery. He has to have a physical from his pediatrician and have a complete workup from his pediatric cardiologist. Surgery is April 17th. I'm so nervous and excited to get this part past us but I would be lying if they didn't scare me with all the "necessary" doctor appointments prior to his surgery. Brennon has a heart defect known as Bicuspid Aortic. In the simplest terms, a bicuspid aortic valve can be a serious heart valve disorder in which the valve only has two leaflets, or flaps, that control bloodflow through the heart. Like the tricuspid valve and the pulmonary valves, normal aortic valves have three tissue leaflets.

God is still in control. 

Life is so good to complain though. In all the stressful times this past week, and in the weeks to come, I know that God is still in control. He has our family wrapped in love in his arms. I'm not sure of many things anymore, but that is something that has never wavered. 

May you each be reminded today of God's mercy, love and forgiveness. 


And just because I haven't posted one lately.... here is a 31 week belly shot. :) 

Oh Monday...

It's Monday.

For most people this would be enough said. 

But I try really hard not to let the bad rap of Monday determine my day. 

Today lived up to its reputation. 

I realize that a lot of today has been pregnancy hormones that made a rough day seem like a day straight from hell. 

Started off this morning with a sink full of dishes. We had a busy weekend and since our dishwasher is broke (and has been for well over a year) hand washing them somehow got put onto MY to-do list. Let me give you a visual picture. My belly is so big now that I stand about 6-8 inches away from the sink. I am required to bend over in order to reach the dishes. One sink full of dishes will take me a good 30 minutes to wash because I have to stop and stretch. I had BOTH sinks full today. :( 

And as typical as it is to have 2 toddlers running around while cleaning, by the time I got the dishes washed, dried and put away, the boys had destroyed both their rooms. Two rooms I had already cleaned this morning. :( 

And then I get confirmation that I will either have to take all 3 boys to the largest consignment sale in South Carolina on Friday alone or I will have to skip Friday's sale and miss out on a trip I have planned for months. (Just found out Zachary has no school Friday) I have planned on buying Zachary's entire summer wardrobe and the few items I still need to get for this new baby coming in 6 weeks. Let me say this... I NEVER expect anyone to take care of my boys. I know they are a hand full.. trust me... I KNOW. However, I make sure to rarely ask for help with them in hopes that when I do have that rare occasion of needing someone to watch them, they will appreciate the fact that I don't take advantage of a babysitter and are more willing to help out. Apparently my hopes are mere wishful thinking. :( 

Josh and I haven't taken a date in well over 2 years... and I haven't complained about it because we understand that it's hard to expect anyone to watch all 3 kids while we go to dinner. I get it... But it sure would be nice to get a break on occasion... Heck, I'm not even expecting anyone to watch them for free... I'd pay. 

Anyway.. 

I did managed to get all my cleaning done, and the house looks more like clean adults live here instead of wild monkeys. And I am thankful for being able to still clean. I am also thankful for the people in the house that mess it up. 

I'm sure tomorrow will be better... and hopefully my frustration will be gone and I'll be able to think more clearly to come up with a way to still manage to get to this children's sale without loosing my mind, a kid or going into labor early. 

So until then.... 

Goodnight. 

Saying Goodbye....

So I've had this best friend for a couple years. She's pretty, super-talented, and friendly. We did everything together-our schedules fit together so that we talked each other every day of the week. But this year, our friendship started to dim a little bit ... um, well, a lot. 

I'm not too sure when it started, but we began this cycle of being inseparable for four weeks or so and then not talking for a week. It's not like we ignored each other, but our conversations would just be awkward and short. Slowly the cycle got shorter and shorter until we hardly ever talked for three weeks at a time. Finally, we came to the point where we knew it was time to stop being friends.

I was totally against this I loved our friendship the way it was, but something was completely different, and it wouldn't change back. Our relationship had evolved into a lot of insecurity and jealousy, and we didn't know how to fix it. We sought a lot of help from a lot of different people. We apologized again and again. We told each other exactly what we were feeling. We prayed through it, and nothing really helped bend us back into shape. After a lot of hurt, we decided that we were just changing, and we didn't really fit together at this point in life. We both grew closer to other people, and it wasn't anyone's fault.

Even though that was hard, it taught us a lot.  It was okay for us to move on. We may not be as close as we used to be, but we still care for each other. No hard feelings. We both have new friends, and we're both all right with that. It's still a huge bummer that we didn't work out, but we didn't want to just poof out of each other's lives. We had to walk away. Moral of the story: I'm fine. Actually, I'm better. I have more energy emotionally now that I don't have to keep giving where I'm not receiving.

"A righteous man is cautious in friendship" (Proverbs 12:26).

"A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24).

5 Year Old Behavior

Let me give you a brief description of how my 5 year old's class works. 

You have 4 ticket. 

You start each day on white. 

Warnings result in a green ticket being pulled.

You then get a yellow ticket. 

Last ticket given out is red. 

A note is sent home for a yellow or red ticket. You are also given a brief description of what the reason was for the tickets pulled. If you pull a yellow or red ticket you do not get to play at recess and you are sent to another room or principals office for your behavior. 

Zachary has pulled 2 red tickets and 1 yellow ticket in the past couple of weeks. 

Before this he never pulled tickets... not even green. 

Do I feel like we have an issue? 

No. 

Not with my child anyway. 

And I'll explain myself. 

I have a 5 year old. 

A 5 year old little boy.

His reasons for his yellow ticket today were "horseplaying and talking while the cone was on the table at lunch". 

Sounds like typical 5 year old little boy behavior to me. 

He also got in trouble for running & doing cartwheels in P.E. 

Again, typical 5 year old little boy behavior. 

Yet I'm expected to address these issues at home to insure they wont be an continuous problem at school. 

I hate to be the voice of reasoning but unless I can magically transform my 5 year old little boy into a grown man he will always act like a 5 year old little boy. 

I will address issues of defiance and disrespect. Those will not be tolerated. However, I can't force myself to discipline my 5 year old for 5 year old behavior. 

I've been struggling on this issue for the past month. I started out with the belief that any issues at school would be addressed immediately. However, after hearing the reasons behind his tickets I am standing firm that there seems to be some unrealistic behavior goals being set in 5K. 

So I ask... What are your thoughts? 

What do you do when your child is sent home with discipline notes from school? 

I've got a parent/teacher conference to go over these types of issues coming up soon so I'd like some feedback from other experienced mama's out there.