Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Steps to better myself

There are a lot of things about myself that I want to change. It's not just physical. Most of it is the way I look at things, and the way I hear things. I'm a lot like a turtle. Yes, a turtle. I have a soft inside, but I carry a hard shell around with me to protect myself from getting hurt. I rarely crawl back in my shell in public. I don't want others to know that they have hurt me, or something they have done or said has made me upset. Truth is, a lot of things bother me. Most people don't realize that. I don't always get mad about things, but I act like I'm mad so they don't know I'm really hurt by it. Anger is easier for me to show than sadness. I've always believed crying was a weakness. I'm trying to change that about myself.

I became an aunt last week. The first real niece. (I have a step nephew and step niece that I hardly ever see) It was the first time I wanted to be closer to my brother. I want to be a part of my nieces life. I want to watch her grow. Yet, I feel like because my relationship with my brother isn't the best, I'm going to miss out on my niece. Isn't it amazing how babies make you want to change? I'm not sure what I need to do on my part to become a better sister, and a better aunt, but I'm planning on figuring it out.

I was surprised that seeing my niece didn't make me want a baby girl like I thought it would. She is the most precious baby ever, and I would gladly have one just like her, but I didn't run home and beg Josh to have another little one of our own. I do however, get so frustrated at everyone's opinion on how many children I should have. What ever happened to letting God decide how many children He wants you to have? Why is everyone so opinionated in regards to the size of your family? I'm pretty sure at age 28, I should be fully capable of making that decision on my own. (well, with Josh too) For those reading, I don't want necessarily want 15 children. I don't even want 6. I would however, like another one at some point. And we will end up having another one. Not when everyone else thinks we should, but when WE decide it's best for us. I have already decided that when and if God allows us to have another child, we wont be telling anyone until we have too. I don't want anyone to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. And I'm also not going to try for a girl... I believe God knows what we need. He may believe 3 boys are plenty for us, and if that's the case, well, we will love our boys and be thankful for the blessings that God has sent us. If he wants us to have another boy, bring him on. I'll love him just the same as I do the others, and I would be 100% okay with that. But if he does see fit to bless her with a little girl, well, I'll be 100% okay with that too. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want a baby girl. I would love the experience of raising both genders, but I'm okay with having all boys.

I didn't intend on going off on all that... but it was on my mind and I felt like sharing. I feel so overly blessed and undeserving of the things God has given me. I pray that I hold my tongue, speak slower, and listen more. I pray that God shows me what he wants me to do in my life to be a better Christian, wife and mother. I pray that God gives me the words to help friends who need Christian advice. But my biggest prayer is that everything I do, is pleasing of Him.