Yesterday was a rough day for me.
After Josh got home from work we loaded up the kids and took off to run a few errands and more importantly, pick out a gift for my niece Payson's birthday coming up. I was also keeping an eye out for my niece Keira's birthday present. Both I was very excited about.
So we walk into Toys R Us. I'm immediately drawn to the clearance isle of baby clothes.
As I'm running my fingers across the most adorable baby girl clothes I immediately began to feel some anxiety. I leave that area and head towards the shoes.
The anxiety leaves.
I pick out a pair of shoes that I have fallen in love with but I am really bummed out when I realize they don't have the sizes I need. We move on...
I am slowly walking through the baby clothes isles (since shoes are located directly in the middle of them) and the anxiety begins to come back. I can't help but to be pulled towards the pink newborn outfits hanging up in front of me. I saw an infant sleeper that read "Baby Sister" and I could feel the tears filling my eyes. I walked away.
We moved to the toy section. The "baby" toy section didn't bother me at all... I was still fighting back tears when we made it to the baby girl toy section. It's a section of the store I rarely visit. I usually stick to the Super Hero isles.
When I reached the girl section, I totally lost it. I couldn't control my emotions any more. Each isle brought more tears and more anxiety....
I love my boys.
I love the way they love their mommy.
I never thought I would ever experience gender disappointment.
You see, our sweet precious baby #4 is another boy.
I have always believed I would have a daughter at some point in my life. I have prayed for a daughter for so long.
And that dream was stolen.
I believe God has a plan for my life with 4 sons. I'm trusting that His will is perfect. But with that being said, it also doesn't take away the sadness when you realize your dream is not God's will for your life.
I have several friends that are pregnant right now. All of them are pregnant with girls.
I've blocked most of their status updates because I simply can't handle reading what names they have picked out, or what theme they are using for their nursery. I am reminded each time that I will never get to do those things for MY daughter.
I WANT my heart to be overjoyed at adding another sweet precious baby boy to this family.
I WANT to look forward to buying him things.
I WANT to be truly happy for those getting their little girls.
But I feel like my heart is trying so hard to mend the disappointment I have in never having a daughter that I can't be as excited about another boy as I want.
I am my own worst enemy right now.
I feel like the lack of happiness will be taken as though my boys aren't enough for me.
And that's simply not true.
I feel like a terrible mother for wanting a certain gender instead of focusing on a healthy baby.
I am praying that in time, before this sweet baby boy gets here, I will get excited about his arrival.
I will get excited about picking out his coming home outfit. I will get excited about the forever friendships he will be receiving when he is born with his 3 older brothers.
I know it will come. And I know these feelings I have right now will pass.
It just takes time...
***Please don't reply to my status update on facebook. Actually, if you want to comment on this blog entry, I ask that you do it here. I only want those who actually read this to know the gender. So lets keep it quiet on facebook please.***
So I'll leave you with a never seen picture from our most recent ultrasound.
Oh, and I'd like to go ahead and apologize for the gifts Payson and Keira will receive for their birthdays. We have decided it's best for Josh to return to Toys R Us and pick out something.